My Dad always said I wouldn’t amount to anything more than a pot smoking unshaven loser who can barely afford to pay rent. Lets talk about all the ways my father was wrong with this statement.
Yes, I smoke pot. So sue me. I am a janitor. Custodial technician to the layperson. I like to relax at the end of the day and sometimes at the beginning and a little weed here and there helps me with that. And sometimes at work but NEVER when I am operating the floor buffer. Yes, I like to be high when I clean toilets. Big deal. I clean toilets. You would want to be high too.
Yes, I don’t shave. I have tried but it is something I often don’t think about so my skin gets irritated if I try. Plus I like the natural lifestyle and man was made to have beards or he wouldn’t have them in the first place. So far Dad is two for two but lets go a little further.
Yes, paying rent is not something I excel at nor is it that easy for me. My roommates don’t exactly keep “steady work” or stay “out of jail” so often I have to shoulder some of their expenses. It is a communal atmosphere in our small rental house and it works. I get paid back at times when they sell the items that they make/grow which may or may not be legal but to be fair Father was correct with the rent statement.
Ok. I am thinking the same thing you are. Dad is a pretty smart guy because these predictions began when I was 15 and that was a good 10 years ago. He also to his credit accurately predicted that my band wouldn’t “make it” because we “sucked” and didn’t “practice our instruments and songwriting” as much as “get high and make noise”. He also predicted I would only sleep with dirty hippie chicks. I thought this was unfair even though my first girlfriend was a dirty hippie. Overtime it became clear that I wasn’t going to have a chance with a “clean” looking girl if I kept myself the way I did meaning unshaven, and low/no income and high. But I still felt like calling all those girls dirty was unfair. But he was right. They were gross. It isn’t cool to not bathe. I am sorry. Tina, Jennifer, Mako, Dove, Hemlock and any of my other girl friends, you stink. Your lady parts stink worse. We live in a certain society. For the love of God bathe at least once daily. So he was right about that as well.
But a loser? That is debatable. Would a loser janitor get an offer to be groomed to run the company if he would just go back to school? I don’t think so. Of course most janitors don’t work for their father at his company so maybe that doesn’t count. But one time I unloaded 100 ecstasy pills at a Rolling Stones concert. Not a rave mind you. Lets see just anyone do that! Then there was the time at the Phish show in Connecticut I predicted the first three songs they played. Keep in mind they change their set list every night and they have tons of songs. How about the time I got my paycheck and did not buy acid right off the bat. It’s called self control. Losers don’t have that. On top of all of that this building is clean as shit. Sure, maybe I smoke a little weed after work. Full disclosure, maybe I drop acid before I clean toilets. Maybe I take some kind of dark red pill that I don’t know what the fuck it is but it makes me clean stuff good for a long time. Can I do it without these things? Of course I can. Well, I am not sure as I have never tried. So I maybe I can’t do my job without drugs. I can’t handle being a janitor without taking drugs every day.
Ok, I admit that my Dad is a smart man and good at predictions. I admit that now looking back I have made a few mistake and the good times were more drug based than good. I admit that the six times he offered to pay for school and if I could just get a 4 year degree from a college of my choice he would start me at 280k a year that maybe I shouldn’t have blown pot smoke in his face and called him “whitey”. Especially the last time when I dumped bong water on his head and gave him the finger. He didn’t even get mad. He just cried a little and said he just wanted me to be the man I could be and make my mother proud. My mom died when I was 19. She had fought off cancer like a champ but was allergic to some of the chemo meds so she needed to get certain drugs at exact times. My job for one night out of 120 when my father couldn’t be by her side was to make sure that happened. Yes, bad night to see how quick I could get drunk but I was bored. My Dad said what happened was horrible but he knew my mother wouldn’t blame me so neither would he. Looking back now I think he should have because it is pretty much my fault she died. In fact looking back now the “loser” category is pretty accurate. I think I would feel real bad about all of this if I wasn’t so high right now. Something deep in my subconscious is telling me I am a terrible son and person. All I know is that these blue pills with the little brown spots make those thoughts go bye bye.
-Chris “Tokes” Paulen
January 1998