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Conducted by Nathan Druson (age 8).
Question: Ok first I am suppo …(interrupts)
Answer: My name is Zeb. I’m a Professional Ferris Wheel Engineer Operator.
A lot of people ask me why I do what I do. They want to know why I chose the Ferris wheel over the merry-go-round, or how come I don’t guess peoples’ weights or draw funny pictures.
Tell you what. If you wanna bore yourself to death on a merry-go-round, be my guest. And if you wanna pay to have someone draw how ugly you are, go right ahead. Knock yourself out. But if you wanna travel in a slow, jerky, circular motion up kinda high and then back down and then up and around again a few more times…then guess what? I’m your man.
Yeah, I hear people talking, saying things like, “Operating a Ferris wheel doesn’t take a lot of skill,” or things like, “All you have to do is press a button,” or things like, “What kind of creep works at a carnival?” or things like, “Your beard has cotton candy stuck in it.” or things like, “Stop looking at my friends feet and touching yourself.”
Yeah, I hear ’em. But you know what? I don’t do this for them.
I don’t do this for my momma, and I don’t do this for my daddy.
I damn sure don’t do it for the money. That wouldn’t even make sense because I get paid mostly in Zippo lighters. I have over eleven Zippo lighters. Eleven and counting. How many other people do you know who have that many Zippo lighters? I don’t think the President of the United States even has that many Zippo lighters. Commander in Chief? Yeah. Sure. He ain’t commanding anything with a crappy little plastic piece of shit that couldn’t light a goddamned birthday cake. Ahh, the Zippo. The cling of the metal as you open it. The scrape of the flint you have to load yourself. When a lady sees you light her cigar with this it’s a statement. And that statement is “I am as serious about lighters as I am about getting a look at those midget feet.” Plus, these bad boys are windproof. A tried and true companion of the carnival man. Or so I am told when I ask for money instead.
I don’t do this for the fame. It’s true: having my hand on the controls of the Ferris wheel does make me the unofficial “King of the Carnival” and hence I am literally drowning in tail. By that I am referring to women, but those girls don’t do a thing for me. Hell, a guy who’s been around as long as me don’t even get turned on by regular old, straight up “sex with chicks” anymore. I mean, I have worked in a carnival or circus since I was 8 years old. I have done just about every hole known to man or of a man. So, no, that ain’t why I do it neither.
So why do I do this? I’ll tell you why. One reason and one reason only.
Because I play for keeps.
-Zeb Emanuel Craw
Sep. 2003
Submitted By R.N.