Audio Link for the Blind
The year was 1988. I had been trucking for almost ten years. There is a celebration little known to the public when you get your first decade in on the road. You go to a truck stop and get a $5.00 blowjob from a truck stop hooker. Of course this is the same as most days but on your decade celebration you don’t spend 2 hours talking her/him down to $2.75. So that’s a real time saver. Of course they always made more than $2.75 total as most of the money they made was from selling you drugs. The BJ was just so they had some walking around money. Coke was too expensive for the trucking man. Sure it wakes you up but it doesn’t last long and that is no good for work purposes. I mean we are professionals after all.
A lot of people don’t understand that you don’t have to start drinking before you get to the truck stop for the night. You are going to have to get some grub, fuel up, buy drugs and head, maybe shower if you need to take off first thing. So you have plenty of time to get your buzz going. I had a perfect system. I could time the drugs so that they were wearing off as I was refueling. Then I would down a couple swigs of jack and a brew. At the diner I would take a valium to take the edge off and a roofie when I was done. That way I had some food in me and I had enough time to negotiate with some stop-gap, slang for truck stop whore, before it kicked in and put me down for the night. I would set my alarm for 30 minutes before I had to get up and as soon as it went off I would toss down 10mg of Ritalin that would kick in so I could make some coffee. Once I got some breakfast in me I would get to driving. Once I got to driving it just depended what I had on hand. All I know is that I was going to get where I needed to go.
This particular morning I popped in Hysteria by Def Leppard and was rocking the fuck out tearing down the highway at breakneck speeds. I had scored some Dexedrine and some kind of bluish pills that seemed to be doing the trick. In my lap was the bobbing head of some 21 year old down on his luck trying to get to San Diego. I was heading east to Miami. I dropped him off outside Chicago after I dropped a load off in him. I’m not gay or nothing but road head is road head and no one rides for free. Plus with his long hair a clean shaven face he looked like a chick anyway. You have to remember this was they era where looking like a chick was ok for a guy. Hell, I thought poison was an all girl band at the time. I can’t count the number of times I cranked my gear shift to that album cover. I saw the cop car facing the other way on the side of the road obviously checking the speed of those passing by. Well I didn’t see it until I clipped it as thy peyote had unsteadied my hands a little. All I did was knock a little paint off I was sure. No biggie. 10 min later the flashing lights of two cop cars were gaining on me which was impressive given the speed I was going. I didn’t pull over for a bit because I was rocking out to the seventh track on hysteria which was ‘Gods of war’ I think. I finally did and three cops came running up to the cab guns drawn screaming for me to get out. Two males and one pretty smoking hot female. I took a swig of jack and slowly opened the cab door. I stepped down but kept one boot on the first step and stood in an open crotch stance with my arms crossed, sunglasses still on, beard blowing gently in the wind, and a ball cap that simply said “ASS”.
“Oh shit.” Said the first male cop as he lowered his gun staring in awe.
“Fuck yea” Said the second. The lady cop seemed to look at them confused for a second then got back to me.
“Sir, I am going to ask you to put your hands up and turn around and put them on the truck…” she was cut off.
“No no. Don’t listen to that broad. We are all good sir.” Said one of the male cops.
“uh no Pete he hit my car, failed to stop, was traveling at over 100 miles per hour and we saw him drinking before he got out of the cab!”
“Lucy! Look at that man!” Said the second male cop. I hadn’t moved yet. The lady cop looked at him with her mouth open then moved towards me.
“BITCH, PUT YOUR FUCKING GUN DOWN!” screamed the first male cop. This scared the lady cop because she was a girl and she dropper her gun. It discharged when it hit the ground and the bullet grazed the side of my boot. I slowly looked down at my boot then back at the lady cop.
“Holy shit! I am so sorry sir. You have to understand we have to hire women. It’s a new policy.” Stammered the second male cop.
“I…I didn’t mean to drop…” again she was cut off.
“Lucy. I want you to look at what stands before you and look good.” Said the second male cop. By now a Bald Eagle had landed on my shoulder and was preening my beard. “That is a Goddamn American trucker and I will be buried deep in the Georgia clay before I let do anything to this man that he doesn’t want done!” Lucy was all shook up. Hands shaking. The cop continued. “This is the man who makes sure beer gets where it needs to be on time. He makes sure your maxi pads are delivered and dry and by God, he is everything this country stands for. Freedom. Power. Drugs. No condoms. Hell, I wouldn’t be surprised if he bled red white and blue.” He said as he looked at me with tears in his eyes.
“But he hit my car…” the lady cop whimpered.
“Don’t worry” Said the first cop. “Just look at his truck. Its fine. Hey man, you get any road head ever driving that thing?” He asked.
“Of course. In fact some dude just blew his way from Rockford to Chicago.” I replied
“Fuck yea!” shouted the cops as they high fived.
I could see there was a lot of tension in the air so I reached into the cab and threw a couple of cold beers to the boys. They smiled like kids and immediately opened them. I looked at the lady cop and spoke. “I can see you are upset young missy. So why don’t you take the day off and hop in this rig and finish this run with me down to Miami.”
“What? No, I couldn’t!” She answered. I reached up and peered over the top of my sunglasses. She stared back and my bloodshot eyes. “Well, I guess I could use a break.” She said as she smiled and bit her bottom lip. She undid her hair bun and her dirty blond hair cascaded down over her shoulders. She was hot from all the tension in the air and undid the top two buttons on her uniform causing her cleavage to burst forth.
“Hell yea” Said one of the cops as I squirted the lady cop with the water hose on the side of the truck. She giggled and pushed her tits together and the water came down on her in slow motion. She hopped in the cab and threw her panties out the window. I tipped my cap to the two cops and got in. I shifted the truck in to first and started back heading south and so did the lady cop. It was a good run. Keep on truckin’ Amigos.
-Buck Crimson
July 1990