Wine is a delicacy that has been enjoyed by humanity for thousands of years. The first known production of wine was actually almost 8000 years ago! The world of wine can be a confusing world that makes it seem like you have to have a PhD in fermented grapes just to understand it. I say phooey! Wine can be enjoyed by anyone,. Those who make it complicated are just showing off. Yes, there are many layers and complex flavors in this wonderful beverage but with this simple guide it will help you choose the perfect wine for any occasion!
Here our experts will post reviews of some of the more popular wines. Easy access with your mobile cellular telephones when shopping!
2008 Vina Alicia Morena San Alberto Lujan De Cuyo
This wine is actually a blend of cabernet sauvignon and cabernet franc. I used a decanter to air it out (although I am certainly not a decanter snob). Lush deep red. My nose caught a combination of almost a tobacco chocolate with a hint of perhaps rose. An impressive sweetness and depth brings out the berry flavors but then I am hit with a mineral finish that won’t seem to leave my discriminating mouth. I take another sip and I am nonplussed to taste grit and a sandy flavor intermixed with a pleasant berry burst. It was then I saw the specks of soil floating in the decanter and I knew at once my bitch of a wife had used the decanter for her goddamn potted plants she seems to love so much. No wonder it was missing for two months. Goddammit.
NA/100
-A.V
2011 Carlisle Zinfandel Napa Valley Hayne Vineyard
A toasty warmth with a hint of mint awaits you when you get a whiff of this popular Zinfandel from the illustrious Hayne Vineyard. However I personally believe this bottle is best left until post 2017. The initial trickle of bay leaf and current flavors seem premature and once it ejaculates a slightly acidic hot mess of unripened flavors in your throat you will wish you had made different choices in your life.
86/100
-G.B.
2010 Epoch Estate Blend Paderewski Vineyard Paso Robles
A sublime combination of an earthy chocolate layered with coffee and an unfamiliar berry type finish. These flavors slowly dissipate through the second bottle and by the forth it just seems to be grape juice basically. On the way up you will taste the pungent acidity of what is left of your BBQ spare ribs and surprisingly the familiar zing of the three Budweiser tall boys you washed them down with.
96/100
-B.K.
2006 Failla Vivien Pinot Noir
Hello. Who are you? Apparently you are one of the most interesting Pinot’s that this foodie and wine enthusiast ever tasted. A distinct pomegranate cola type flavor with a slick, sumptuous mouth feel. It is hard to describe the multitude of mountainous and exotic flavors that this bottle delivers. A soft layer of turtle semen seems to be expressed as one swallows leaving a frothy aftertaste though no froth is to be found. Shaking the bottle without a cork sends wine lusciously cascading and falling about your now angry guest. This wine staining ability will most surely be reported by the dry cleaning bills you receive.
94/100
-J.C
2004 Blaniet Merlot
You got to be fucking kidding me. Did that dumb bitch pour half a glass, drink one quarter and then leave the bottle open next to the oven. This is my job. This is how I pay the bills. Is she doing this on purpose? Well, here we go. This Napa Valley merlot is warm to the point of being hot and taste like fucking piss. It reeks of mistrust and probably infidelity because I know I am not getting any. After cooling it taste like how I imagine my wife’s fridged snatch would taste if I was allowed near it. Fuck it. I need a drink.
NA/100
-A.V.
2009 Shafer Red Shoulder Ranch Chardonnay
I really can’t describe how incredibly crisp this wine is. Really, it is weird. To the point of being distracting. I took my first sip and thought “My what a…” then nothing as I couldn’t get the crispness out of my mouth. Panic set in and I thrashed about the kitchen screaming that I was going to shit my pants. With all the commotion my partner, Crispin came running in to the kitchen to see what was wrong. He found me on the floor shoving handfuls of mayonnaise in my mouth to counter act the crispness. I was surprised at the dry finish though.
96/100
-K.B.
2010 Robert Weil Kiedrich Grafenberg Trockenbeerenauslese Riesling
I was very excited to review this almost $700 bottle of wine. Rieslings are by far my favorite. Sure I have a sweet tooth I guess! I didn’t even want to smell it first as I delicately poured a glass and just stared at it. It was gorgeous in its simplicity and amber hue. Feeling the joy overwhelm me I began waltzing theatrically around my kitchen as Beethoven treated me to one of his true works of art. I reared back and laughed out loud in joy and found myself with a full erection as I unquathed myself of my clothes! Why not? The freedom and wonderment I felt knowing that soon I would have one of the world’s finest Rieslings in my tender mouth. I misjudged one of my pirouettes and my erection knocked the bottle and glass off the counter and it smashed on the floor as a dozen of my cats swarmed to lick it up. I felt my exuberant state of being deflate along with my erection. This wine taste like broken dreams and shattered glass.
98/100
K.B.
2009 Duckhorn Three Palms Vineyard Merlot
Well, what do we have here? A perfect night to review a Merlot as I have had an aching on my tongue for the sweet berry. I am not disappointed as the sweet red pours down my throat. Meaty. There is a certain meatiness that can’t be described with the written word. The finish has a sort of pissy tinge to it which doesn’t take away from the body. I must admit I have made a mistake wearing an all-white tuxedo to this reception and lo and behold after my first glass the decanter crashes down on my head in response after I ask the Negro server to wear gloves to avoid blackening the glass when he serves me. Looks like I will be the dry cleaners best customer!
98/100
-J.C.
2007 Vertite La Muse Red
“At $450 a bottle you would may want to take your time, sir”. Says my stuck up French waiter. Nonsense. Another round! I downed a quick gin and tonic sans tonic to cleanse the pallet. At that point it was quite cleansed as I was having trouble feeling it and most of my face. The second bottle was as effective as the first and the third did a fine job cascading across the titties of my stripper date. At this point we were asked to leave as we were causing a scene. I was told I was oversearved but I insisted I was underdrunk.
97/100
-B.K
2009 Chateau Climens Bordeau Style White Blend
This is what it is all about. Peace and quiet. Hard to come by when you are married. Especially when your wife likes to shriek her daily complaint list. But now out here on my porch I get to enjoy this wine after a fine meal alone. The best kind of meal. Just as it reaches my lips my wife throws the door open knocking the glass from my hand and it shatters on the deck. She doesn’t take time to apologize as she demands to know where the Midol is. I of course have no idea as I don’t use such a product. She snatches the bottle from me and goes inside. I follow a short time after and see her pouring down the sink. “I wanted red” she says as the last drops fall out. This wine had lots of potential, like me. Also like me, my wife poured that potential down the drain so the world will never see it.
NA/100
-A.V.
Ken Write 2012 Freedom Hill Pinot Noir
One whiff of this distinct Pinot Noir has me yearning for my experimental days. This dark earthy wine leaves a savory hint of black cherry and chocolate. However it isn’t overbearing and allows the wine to trickle down the chin like some of Bruce did in ’86. The finish comes strong and reminds me of the extended time I have spent trying to identify my sexuality which is as complex as this Pinot Noir.
98/100
-G.B.
2011 Von Strasser Estate Cabernet Sauvignon
I want to be clear. Matt Von Strasser is a piece of shit. We have had an ongoing feud for over 30 years now. It started with my first visit to the winery. He claims I “spoiled the wine” but I have always lived my life by a simple rule. If I see a hole I am going to stick my cock in it. I don’t give a wine cellar rats ass if it is a vintage wine in a barrel. Then plug the hole dipshit or I am going to do it for you. And I did. Got my ass kicked. However, I got him back 2 years later at the San Jose international Wine festival. Got him back in spades. This Cab is everything it should be and nothing it shouldn’t. It shows Matt can still make a fine wine even if I took half his tongue.
97/100
-L.R.
2011 Roche De Ballene Pinot Noir
OH JOY! A Pinot! Perfect for a night like this! I am in my Sunday best even though it is Thursday evening. My shoes ‘click’ and ‘clack’ with wonderful enthusiasm as I sip my wine while belting out my best rendition of “My favorite things” from ‘The Sound of Music’. I certainly am no Julie Andrews but I am trying my best as I glide across my marble floors. My skin tight suit pants are restricting my movement so I take them off on a whim and toss them aside as I leap about my parlor. My scrotum flaps in the wind as I am able to get some very tight spins going due to my figure skating days. The richness of this amazing Pinot is matched only by the force of my father’s punch which flattens me to the ground as he yells at me “to be a man”. He storms out of the house as my mother follows him pleading for him to accept me for who I am and how they are guest in my house (here for their summer visit). My father slamming the door causes the wine bottle to fall to the ground and shatter. $500.00 of grape delicacy now spreads across the ground as twenty of my cats swarm in to lap it up. And I, the lonely goatherd.
97/100
-K.B.
2010 Penfolds RWT Shiraz
I didn’t expect the hint of vanilla that I tasted with this fine Shiraz. I pulled the glass away and looked at it impressed as if it would look different from when I first looked at it when I poured it. I take another sip and notice the creamy chocolate notes that come in with the finish. I wait as I can still taste…what is that? A hint of blueberry? Wonderful. The finish seems to strengthen the more time passes. Quickly it becomes overbearing as I attempt to rinse my mouth out with water. No use. The finish strengthens. I scream as I fan my tongue. In desperation I dump sauerkraut on my face and mouth. It only seems to anger the finish as it continues. My wife runs in and thankfully pours baking soda in my mouth which acts to counter the finish as it fades. Only then do I notice subtle cinnamon notes!
99/100
-R.S.
2010 O. Fournier Malbec
I was served this wine at my friend Julies wedding reception. Just in time too as I was arguing loudly with the DJ to play the electric slide for the third time. I held the glass by the stem properly while giving these Myrtle Beach savages the evil eye. My mood changes as my mouth is filled with a rainbow of flavors! Slight tinges of raisin and coffee mix with a kind of almost metallic coprophilic bite. In an act of kindness I offer the DJ a glass which he accepts. Later we made gay love in my hotel room while Julies father watched and jerked off while calling us faggots.
98/100
-J.C.
2011 Quilceda Creek Cabernet Sauvignon Columbia Valley
This wine threw me off at first because the initial aroma is that of a wet dog. Don’t be alarmed though. This is one of my favorite wines in the last six months. A burst of sharty coffee accent a body of piss sour plum that leaves a satisfying post coitus type flavor on the tongue. I would recommend not opening this bottle prematurely like my ejaculate but rather wait until 2018-2022.
99/100
-G.B
2010 Lagier Meredith Syrah Mount Veeder
At around $50 this mildly priced wine packs a big bang for the buck which is great when you find that your wife has opened two new credit cards and maxed them both out on clothes she never will wear. A focused yet complex bouquet of flavors. I imagine it would be even better out of a proper glass rather than plastic cup but after 15 years and your wife can’t seem to grasp the concept of not throwing “delicate crystal into the dishwasher because it will break and I need them as part of my job” you just have to accept certain levels of existence. The finish is sour but there a good chance I am saying that because of the sour taste when I see a used condom in the trash. Specifically on top. She wanted me to see it. After the first glass (cup) the rest can be drank from the bottle. Fuck it.
NA/100
-A.V.
2010 Shafer Relentless Napa Valley
Boom. Boom. Boom. I like to get three glasses down quick before I review a wine on the forth. Of course firing wine down like that I always make sure I have something in my stomach. Today it is half a burger and a cooler of Old Milwaukee. There is a certain happiness that this wine brings. I feel my troubles melt away as I gargle some vodka to be sure I am ready for the tasting. I still felt the vodka didn’t do the trick so I settle on my porch with a half bottle of tequila left over from this morning. To be honest I must have been tired because I vaguely remember rolling around in the grass with some stray dog and waking up naked on my couch. I had no idea where the Shafer went until I found the bottle in the bathroom with still a glass left! In short this wine drives away the shakes.
99/100
-B.K
2012 Firestone Chardonnay
This modestly priced Chardonnay ($18) comes from the Santa Ynez Valley in California. Like me it is very fruity and the sweetness is countered by the alcohol. Wine is all about the occasion and this one was a day at the beach where I found the tropical notes add to what I thought would be a nearly perfect day but I was harassed constantly by people telling me my bathing suit was too small and parts of my genitals were visible. As a product of bullying in high school I didn’t want to look down as I assumed they were just poking fun. When the police arrived I saw that yes, most of my genitalia was being squeezed and pinched out of my speedo which in my haste I had put on backwards that day. I was also told it is illegal to bring a zip lock back of wine to the beach for some reason.
97/100
-G.B.
2009 Navarro Cuvee 128 Sauvignon Blanc
Right out of the gate I tasted what I believe to be lemon. This was such a shock that I dropped my glass. I have a history of being overwhelmed with something goes against my expectations. At twenty dollars I didn’t expect a flavor like that. I poured a new glass and took another sip. WOW! I accidently throw my wine glass against the wall of the restaurant. I take the time to explain to the blind date I am on about how I am easily shocked even though I live in a world of wine. I also explain what the crashing sounds are as she is blind. I pour a third glass as the busboy cleans up the mess. I am ready for anything except an earthy finish. The earthy finish hits me like a fastball to the gut and I puke in excitement all over my date. I tell her is was the puke of a man next to us and I make sounds as if I am fighting him in her honor. However, since I have never won a fight in my life I made the sounds as if I lost the fight and as I was on the ground trying to recover she goes home with the busboy whom she thought was the waiter.
99/100
-J.C
2006 Greg Norman Estates 2006
I can’t tell you how long I have waited to get a Greg Norman in my mouth! I was so excited for this review that I found myself doing a series of cabrioles from my ballet days. I popped the cork and poured a glass while “Ave Maria” played in the background. When I first noticed the oak like nose I was hooked! A small bit of the wine splashed out of my glass onto the marble as I launched into a grand Jete’. This caused me to slip and twist my ankle. I crashed to the floor with the wine glass and shrieked for my partner at the time, Norm Gregman to come to my aid. After he took off my ballet shoes he helped me to my feet. I couldn’t quite put weight on the ankle and I slipped again knocking the bottle of wine and Norm to the floor. My cats swarmed in to lap up the wine and I lost sight of Norm in the stampede. I never saw him again.
-K.B.
98/100