Cowboy boots.
Hat.
Denim britches.
A belt buckle with a human butt in the shape of Texas that says “TexASS” underneath.
This has been my getup for the last 42 years and I don’t intend to change a thing about it. If I got a couple dollars in my pocket and a couple whiskeys in my belly I am a happy man. You have to keep life simple. That is the key. I am a simple man who married a simple woman. I met Carla in high school. At the time my nickname was “Tex” being that I was from Texas. Since we were actually in Texas this was problematic since every male in the school had the same nickname. Except for Stephen “The Steve” Stephenson and Bigmike “Slim” Fatthins.
Carla was an attractive woman with a dynamite figure. In those days women kept themselves decently covered. If you wanted to see some skin you would get yourself one of them girly books from the drugstore. Old man Schleppy kept them in the back. You would give him a wink and kiss on the lips and he would quietly slip a magazine to you. It was a different time when women were ladies in public and animals between the sheets but no one had to know about it besides their men. Of course we all told each other wild tales.
“Oh boy. You might think Mable is a lady by the way she acts in public but she is a real animal between them sheets.” One of us might say.
“Oh yea. I could say the same thing about Darlene. Real lady like when about town but boy, you get her between those sheets and she’s a real animal.” Someone else might say.
“Funny you guys say that because I thought Mary-Bethany was such a lady on account of how she carried herself when in the company of others but when I got her between them sheets it was like she was some kind of wild animal.” Another would add.
It would get repetitive after a while and we would stop and silently wonder why the women all seemed so similar. I would say the only difference would be the ladies of the night who hung out at the truck stop down the way. Feisty animals in public but once you paid for their time between the sheets they were very proper ladies.
Carla was different. She was…off I guess some would say. Her mother said it was because she was born during a full moon. Her father more accurately would say it was because she got kicked in the back of the head by a mule when she was a child. I was 18 years old in my senior year. I had a 1972 Ford pickup truck that me and the fellas would sit in and down a couple of tallboys before the day started. One day Carla came and say down in the bed of the truck and asked if we wanted some porridge. We looked at each other confused then she delivered a quick and accurate round house kick to my friend Tex who was instantly knocked unconscious. She then shouted “I WILL NOT BE RAPED!” and ran backwards to her group of friends. Full speed too while keeping eye contact with us. It was more impressive that the kick. I was instantly smitten. I ended up asking her to the senior prom. She slapped me in the face and said yes. Luckily I had a full beard at the time which absorbed much of the force but it still stung. I hardly noticed because I she had said YES! I hollered and threw might hat into the air which then fell into a mud puddle and I questioned why I had just done that or why it seemed like a good thing to do in celebration in general. I picked her up in my truck and she looked as beautiful as the day we met which was 3 days prior. She slapped me and gave me a quick peck on the cheek. I learned quickly she didn’t have much of a filter on account of the mule kick.
“I have to tell you Carla, I am real excited for tonight.” I said. She shifted uncomfortably.
“Sorry I am moving all around and for the smell. I got the nervous butt toots and the way I am sitting is sending some of them into my vagina parts which I am trying to avoid and not mention.” I admired her honesty. We danced and laughed all night. We were both a bit overserved when she said she wanted to make love to me. She asked if I had a couple of sheets in my truck she could get between to show me what an animal she could be. Luckily I did on account I had been at a klan meeting a few night prior. It was a wonderful night. I felt like a real man. We continued to date and then one day she slapped me and told me she was “pregnant as all fuck.” And that I was going to be a father. I had to tell the guidance counsel, Tex Hodges, that I was going to take my responsibilities seriously and I was dropping out of school.
“What the hell are you talking about.” He said “There are three days left and then you graduate. That would be ridiculous.”
“Sorry. My mind is made up. Time for me to be a man.”
“But you have a full academic scholarship to Harvard!”
“Well, you know what they say. ‘College school is for sissy men and queer faggot gay men boy men.”
“No they don’t. No one says that!”
But I was already walking out to marry my sweet Carla. Her father owned the feed store and offered me a job. I took it. Six months into the pregnancy we were devastated when the good Lord above decided it wasn’t time for us to be parents and took our baby boy home early. The doctor man said it wasn’t the good Lord as much as it was Carla’s use of handfuls of diet pills but in her defense she was developing a bit of a gut on account of all the drinking she was doing so we didn’t know what he expected. Carla was so distraught that she couldn’t drink for months. That is when she got pregnant and gave birth to my boy Tex. It was one of the happiest days of my life when she brought him home. My dog, Tex ran up and immediately started licking him in the face. It was a wonderful time. The start of my life as a family man and a feed man. The start of a new day in Texas and new life for Tex.
Tex “Tex” Texman
August 2015