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Remembering Papa

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I love my father? No. I love my father. (?) I can’t even say it without questioning myself. You see, my father was a cold man. He was bearded to the hilt and as tough as an iron bag of railroad spikes. When I say bearded I mean it was like his hair just became his beard. I think he had head hair for facial hair. Some kind of small genetic error that would have made him a God among Vikings. In fact that is where I think he belonged. A man born in the wrong time in the wrong place. He was poor growing up. A child in the great depression. He worked in a coal mine to help feed his family but when he was 8 his mother forced him to find other work as she felt 3 years without sunlight was damaging his body. He worked as a lumberjack for a few years but then after the bombing of Pearl Harbor he felt his duty was to fight in the war. He lied about his age and joined the Army. When he was 11. He was already about 6 feet tall and could grow full mutton chops and a mustache. After the war he got a job at the steel mill and worked there his entire life making an honest living for his wife and kids.

I was the oldest of 4 children. Born in 1950, I was at the perfect age for the counter culture movement in the 60’s. This is something my father didn’t understand or care about. I don’t even think he knew about it. We were in an argument one time when I was 18. My hair was getting long, I was smoking weed daily and was active in war protest about the growing conflict in Vietnam. The argument started with the length of my hair. I insisted that times were changing and was going into a tirade about how I am my own man when he effectively stopped my speech with a punch to the gut.

“You know. I think you have a point.” He said as I was doubled over in pain. “You do have a right to make your own choice about the war.” I don’t know what he meant by that because he grabbed me by the back of the shirt and dragged me down to the local recruiting office. There were a group of a dozen or so protesters out front chanting the typical slogans at the time. He plopped me down in the office as I was still recovering from the punch. He went outside and I heard the strangest thing. Imagine the sound of someone singing but then being choked. Now imagine that happening to 12 people all at the same time. It is a strange, gurgling chorus sound. He came back inside and shoved the papers in front of my face. The recruiter spoke up.
“Um, sir you can’t force your son to…” He stopped talking as my father stared at him with those cold eyes. Eyes that had been repeatedly burnt by hot steel because of his refusal to where any type of eye protection at them mill. I heard another strange sound as the recruiter’s pants made a rustling sound as his penis shrank between his quivering legs. I signed the papers as my father’s beard flowed on the desk.

In all honesty the military was a breeze. My father had instilled great discipline in his children. Even the toughest drill sergeant has nothing on my towering father with his deep gravelly voice telling me to get my shit together. Hints of smoke left over from his job at the mill, which he left hours ago, coming out of his nose like a dragon but with far more anger. I distinctly remember the day he picked me up after I got out of the military. It was 1975. His beard had a bit more grey in it. There were more scars on his face, hands, neck, shoulders, and arms than when I left. “Your mother has missed you.” Were his first words as he greeted me with a hearty handshake. I knew he did too. He was cold but he was still a human. I knew this because he was picking me up instead of telling me to “toughen up my feet” by walking home the 5 miles from the bus station. As we drove he attempted to change lanes but there was a sizable blind spot in his truck. He never was one for using mirrors either. The car he cut off beeped and he quickly corrected himself and waved to indicate he was sorry. However, at the next stop light the guy pulled up next to us. He began to shout at my father with colorful language. My father rolled down his window. “I apologize sir, I didn’t see you I hope you weren’t startled.”

“Fuck you old man! Open your fucking eyes and watch where you are going!” shouted the man in the car. I could see two others in the car with them. They were not small men either. They looked like the kind of people you wouldn’t want mad at you. I could see empty beer cans in the car. Surely starting a night of partying a little early. My father was confused.

“I apologized. I made a mistake. This incident is over.” My father said sternly. He turned back facing the light preparing to drive as it changed when a beer can hit in the head.

“Bullshit this is over! I tell you when it is over!” yelled the other driver. My father didn’t flinch as he put the car in park and got out. As the three men who were looking for a fight did the same. The light had turned green but no car behind us had dared move except for the few that recognized my father and had quickly pulled out of line to drive the other way. Impressively, there was very little trash talking from the three men as almost immediately one of them threw a punch hitting my father on his cheek right below his eye. My father didn’t even blink as the man’s hand shattered and the skin was ripped off his knuckles. I imagine it would be like punching a brick covered in rock salt.

Thinking about it now I there are a number of sounds I associate with my father that I haven’t heard anywhere else. There was the incident at the recruiting office for sure and this was another one. You see, he never had much respect for men who couldn’t control themselves or their drinking. After the first man threw a punch I had turned away. Even with everything I had seen in ‘Nam I didn’t want to see my father’s reaction to being punched. But I heard everything. I heard the trunk open. I heard the head honcho swing a bat. I heard the bat being caught mid swing by my father and then snapped in half along with a few of the man’s fingers. I heard the screaming. I heard the pleading. I heard my father tell them to shut up. And they did. Then the silence broken by the sound of empty beer cans being shoved up the rear ends of the three men. The sickening sound of metal crinkling and grunting men. A loud slap would be heard as he would remind them to shut up. Then just the crinkling and shoving. I guess you could say their punishment was equal to their drinking. They had made the mistake of having about 6 beers each. The whole process took a good 8 minutes or so. He had put the keys to their car in the first can telling them that they were allowed to drive again when they could get to the keys. He got back in the car and we continued on. I was queasy but tried not to show it. “Your mother has missed you” he said. I mentioned he said that when he picked me up.
“Sorry son, the old man sometimes forgets what he says I guess. Look at me rambling on. I guess I am just excited to see you. Tell me about the east. Tell me about oriental whores and war.” We drove on with me telling him about Vietnam. He just laughed the entire ride home. Nothing I said was funny.

John Kilmore

August 1983

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Santa’s Lap

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Ho! Ho! Ho! Merry easy money time of the year. I don’t know why it took me so long to figure that being a mall Santa was the way to go. There I was sitting in my living room watching my VHS tape of “Thar she blows!” which is my favorite nautical themed adult movie, when it hit me. Children. Why am I not taking advantage of children? Well, not the children really but we know that parents will open their wallets when it comes to their kids. Especially at Christmas time. Enough of sitting on my ass collecting retirement/disability from the aglet plant. I was going to make some real booze money this year. That was 15 years ago and the rest is history.

Well, maybe it isn’t that simple. Let me tell you a little about me. I am a big man. I very big man. I don’t know how much I weight but I have trouble fitting into most seats. That is one problem with being Santa. I have the beard. That is for damn sure. I have the rosey cheeks, due to the booze. And I am usually jolly when properly liquored up unless I am pissed off then from what I gather from the police reports I can be more than a handful. That is all great but I look unhealthy. I sound unhealthy when I breath. I feel fine but parts of my body spill out from under the Santa costume so it is a bit unsightly. I have tried exercise and diets but they just don’t work for me. By that I mean like I tried skipping a meal one day and I thought about exercises one time. Look, I am fat. That is me. All of me. Everywhere.

The first gig I got was at the local mall. Their Santa was a joke. An old skinny guy with a beard who would make cute excuses like “Ms. Clause put him on a diet”. Pussy. When my ex wife told me to diet I would smack her and tell her to bake me a bigger pie. This doesn’t sound good in court when you have to repeat your lines. She easily won the house and kids. I didn’t have to wait long before the previous Santa moved into a retirement home and I stepped it. Lucky me they didn’t have much choice as it was already November when they caught him taking a dump the mouth of the Hamburgler at the McDonalds playground thinking it was his wife. Yep. You heard right. Apparently they had some serious scat play back in the day based on the things he was saying while doing the deed. So I walked into the mall managers office and just said, “I know you don’t like what you see but you got no choice. I am your mall Santa. Deal with it.” So there I was. They had to reinforce the Santa throne because I am a fat fuck. Just a disgusting fat pig of a man. I rely on the thick Santa suit to keep a majority of the smells in and the booze to make my body in hospitable for most bacteria.

People don’t understand how tough it is to be a mall santa. All day. All fucking day you listen to these little shit monsters tell you how good they were and they want all these bullshit toys. Mom and Dad trying to take pictures with cell phones instead of paying for a picture from a professional like
“Two Eyes” Burt who was the photographer at the time. We called him that because he wished he had two eyes like a normal person but somehow in the fetal process something rather cycloptic appeared to have happened. He scared the living fuck out of the kids so we use to try to draw a couple of normal eyes on him but it only seemed to make things worse. He deserved to make a living like anyone else so when I lost my shit on some sexless high pantsuit mom and smashed her IPhone the cops were called and I was ejected from my first gig. Too bad you may be thinking but this is not the case. It turns out most mall Santa’s are pedophiles working under false identities. I would just walk into another mall. Walk up to the Santa and say “Beat it pal or I tell them everything.” Those sick fucks wouldn’t even blink. They would just get up and leave. I would sit down and Christmas would continue.

I think one of the worst parts about being a mall Santa is who you have to try to hide the drinking and remember that you are face to face with some kid who is going to tell you that “your breath smells like angry Daddy”. The cool thing is you can just chase with mouthwash AND get fucked up off mouthwash. Not knowing how to pace myself on the job is what led to me losing my second job. A smoking hot Milf brought her kid to see me. I hadn’t noticed her until she was up to the front of the line. Tight jeans, cut off shirt and a three year old kid. Yep. Had to be a stripper. Now I was half in the bag and by that I mean flat out drunk. She didn’t look like she was doing to hot either. Having trouble balancing in her pumps. After her kid was done being shy I asked “maybe Mommy wants a turn on Santas Lap.” She played along and I stuck a $10 in her waist band and instinct kicked in. Turns out she was a stripper and started giving me a lap dance in the mall. The smell of money and a fat guy boozed out of his ass along with her own buzz triggered her to think she was at work. The police report said that I had stated in a loud “Santa Voice” that I was going to “Cum Kris Cringle Style” and that is when mall security had stepped in. However, being that is was near Christmas time and people were spending all their hard earned money a number of the fathers who came with their families were also a bit liquored up and had begun throwing singles at us and arguing who was next. Which of course led to couples fighting and some of the fathers battling mall security for trying to stop us. Meanwhile mommy stripper was licking the vodka out of my beard and I don’t even know where her kid was. Regardless I missed a few days that season but I miss days every season. Still had a good haul. The next year I learned to dress Two Eyes Burt up like an elf so he made more sense and then we worked as a team. Since then it has been smooth sailing. Easy gigs. Easy money. Easy women. Strippers go for guys dressed as Santa. I keep the outfit on for the clubs after. I don’t go for strippers as much as to get a whore. Strippers and whores. Same shit.

 

-Harvey Patterson

-Dec. 2011

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