The kid can play. He is not the best ever heard but he ain’t the worst either. I can’t say the same about his bandmates. The hotel bar will have better musicians than these kids. I guess that’s music these days. Everyone uses computers to correct their mistakes no one learns the art of their instruments. Listen to me. I’m the old man I never thought I’d be. Hell, in reality I’m better than I thought I’d be. 32 years as a roadie. 32 years of rock and roll. 32 years of living the dream. I’ve seen it all. I watch AIDS get invented. I watched cocaine, come and go, then come again. I’ve seen orgies that you wouldn’t believe and some you would but shouldn’t. I have no regrets. Well, I have a few regrets. They mostly involve the eighties. And booze. And mescaline.
This band will never make it. You can tell by how they take the stage. You can tell before you even hear their first song. It’s how they carry themselves, It’s how they hold their instruments. Sure, the guitar player is good. Better than he should be at his age. But these guys are half drunk already in the show is barely started. And they had what three beers each? I watched Slash drinking a fifth of Jack in the morning just the wake up. Plus if my beard doesn’t vibrate with the first note, then you suck. These kids ain’t shit. Normally I wouldn’t take a gig like this. But I of the month before the next tour starts with a real band. And money making band.
I remember my first tour. AC/DC 1981. I was 15 years old and a high school dropout. I got hooked up through a friend of a friend. I went from absolutely lost in my life to discovering exactly what life was. Bon Scott had died from drinking too much. You want to know what the boys in the band did to handle his death? They didn’t cry and give up that is for sure. They got themselves and use singer and drank twice as much. Fuck yeah. I’ve worked with everyone. Aerosmith, Megadeth, Def Leppard, Bon Jovi, Pearl Jam, Poison, Bruce Springsteen, you name it. If they matter, I toured with them. I remember working for Bon Jovi in ’87. He was a handsome guy. Hell, the whole band was. And the girls would do whatever it took to get to them. What I mean by that, is that they would suck their way through us to get to the band. What I mean by that is that I got blow jobs from groupies. And when I didn’t need blow jobs, I got drugs. Free drugs. When I started I told myself I when I started that I didn’t want to be one of those guys that spends his life using drugs and drinking. Two days later I was one of those guys who spends his life using drugs and drinking. I remember bringing one girl in for the band. She had given me about ½ pound of cocaine and some of the best mouth love I had ever had.
“Look what I got here boys. Two tits and a shit ton of Yeyo. They misunderstood me. The whole band and the girl ended up doing lines off my bare chest for half the night before I clarified what I meant. It was all good though because Tico Torres gave me a coked up hand job half way through it.
Jon Bon Jovi looked up, “Livin on a prayer mother fucker!” his face covered in white gold. “This is some Bad Medicine.” A lot of people don’t realize how often front men talk about their own songs. Eddie Vedder used to always talk about how “Alive” he felt after a show. He would emphasize “Alive” and kind of pause so we would get it. He would also love it when someone was named Jeremy and would always talk about how at his wedding he won’t have a best man but will have a “Better Man”. It’s just part of the life. I remember in ’88 I had just scored some weed and vodka for the boys in Def Lepard.
“Thanks, mate. Let me get a “photograph” joked Joe Elliot. But he wasn’t joking. He would take a picture then go around bragging he just took a “photograph”. “I’m just “foolin” everyone. Don’t mean to give you “hysteria”. Now tell that whore to “pour some sugar on me” specifically, my balls”. He would shout as he laid down and took out his balls waiting for coke to be poured on them. This is why I hated being around lead singers.
One time I was hanging out with CC Deville from Poison and we were seeing how many baby shoes we could fit up a groupies ass. It seems like a sick thing to do but when you are on heroin and coffee laced with acid and shrooms, it seems like the right thing to do to bring you down off the Adderall crushed up with the Valium that you took earlier. All of a sudden Big Tom Thomson, head of security kicks in the door. “Some dude out there is claiming that a bearded roadie made him finger his butt for a backstage pass.” Lucky for me 15 of the boys had beards and all of them had fingers in their butts at some point in the night. I was too out of it to care at the time. Another time when touring with Aerosmith a mother had come backstage saying “Some filthy member of the crew just had sex with my 16 year old daughter and told her she could meet Steven Tyler. I am taking legal action when I find out…” she stopped and looked around at all of us loading gear silenced with disgust. I think the last time I had showered was three days earlier. The last time I shaved was 1979. That would be about the same story for most of the crew in those days. “Look lady. We say a lot of things. We do a lot of other things. But if there is one thing I know for sure is that none of us EVER had sex with any underage girl. On this tour. This week.” I jumped down from the truck. If your daughter got herself in trouble then I see that it is your fault for poor parenting. What kind of person thinks they can have sex with a roadie and automatically meet Stephen Tyler? Who could be manipulated that easily? Now, if you want to talk to Mr. Tyler about this and let him hear your complaints then that can be arranged.”
She stammered her response. “well, yes…he’s here? Like I could actually meet him?”
“Yes, if that will help the situation then I am sure he would be happy to of course, nothing is free now is it mam?” I said while adjusting the buckle on my pants. Me and the boys would have a good time that night. She never got to meet Stephen Tyler because he was getting a rim job from her daughter. Road Life.
-“Swampy” Jim Sorgan
March 2013